When I came back from my wedding, my boss told me that he and the company assumed that I’d be having kids soon, and he told me point blank that it would likely affect my career growth in software.

But despite these assumptions, I had returned from my wedding to an in-band promotion. My boss, who seemingly had doubts about my commitment to Sparkle Motion, had pushed for it. I received a modest raise (which was completely eaten by adding my newly-minted husband to my health insurance) and a round of congratulations.

Unfortunately, my husband’s attitude towards me completely shifted when we were legally bound. It was almost like a light-switch when we got home. I had this great job, new responsibilities, and I was supposed to be living the happiest moments of my life. But something wasn’t quite right. It very much felt like everything I did was wrong. My success at work was drowned out by my perceived failures at home. I couldn’t keep up with the chores that weren’t being shared. I was under immense pressure from my in-laws to ensure that my husband finished his graduate degree, which was suddenly my responsibility. I struggled to budget with pressures of lifestyle inflation and a lack of fiscal commitment from my husband, who struggled to understand my modest upbringing compared to his own. My precious belongings (hand crafted items made with friends, tokens gifted by family, or heirlooms inherited) were all fair game to him – he never broke his own things, only mine. He was overspending, being reckless, and all of the household labor fell on me almost instantly. It was a matter of time before he was losing his temper and expecting me to manage his emotions as well.

The first time he raised a hand to one of our pets, we had been married six months, and everyone I begged for help asked me what other people would think. They asked me what the dog had done, whether I was overreacting, if I really wanted to end my marriage over what appeared to be a one-time incident. My friends and family cast doubt on what I had seen with my own eyes, and he pleaded with me to stay, making promises of therapy and change.

Therapy never happened, and change never came. We were divorced within a few years. It took me longer than I am comfortable admitting to to break out of the cycle of justification and doubt, but I did it, in large part thanks to the comfortable career I had built in the meantime and the support of women in my personal and professional networks.

While my marriage was deteriorating, I threw myself into work and industry. I learned as much as I could, and I started to give professional talks on my learnings. I built a name for myself.

I asked for career blessings, and the monkey’s paw curled.

You see, the name I built wasn’t my own. It was my ex-husband’s. Nobody goes into a marriage expecting to get a divorce, and I had changed my name when we got married. I was gifted a cute little kit off the registry that helped me file the paperwork and everything. But there are no gifts when you get a blessed divorce, just pity from strangers.

After six months of rebranding, it took about two years of going to conferences for people to regularly stop using my ex-husband’s name when greeting me. I had to change my name in internal systems at work, which broke my access to a lot of tooling and caused delays in output and frustration among my teammates. I have had to explain in background checks for jobs who my ex-husband was to me, and why his name appears on my credit report. And every time, I am showered with unsolicited pity and unwanted advice, even in professional settings, even though it has been years.

I am writing this essay today to say: happy people do not get divorced. Although the process was indeed painful, I am much happier, and much more secure in my career and sense of self. Going through a divorce as a working woman has had more impacts on my career than I was prepared for, but it was absolutely worth it. I made it through with the support of women in my spheres, and, if the need ever arises, you will, too.

Editor’s note: if you or someone you know is experiencing domestic violence, you can find international resources at the NO MORE global directory.

Women breadwinners are 33% more likely to experience physical violence and 20% more likely to experience emotional abuse in relationships than the average population. Learn why and how to spot the signs in an upcoming edition of 50×35.

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